one sick fetish, i tell you

Tonight Kaylen finally sent me some of her wonderful pictures from my triumphant graduation at ACAD. Being a fancy event as it were, I was moved to wear high heels. However, knowing the habitual soreness of my delicate hooves, I also brought more sensible footwear to change into as the night drew to a close. However now that I was carrying around my heels, I was all of a sudden struck by the drunk inspiration that putting them on people's heads was THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD. And, as you can see here, it is.

no

my own very personal review of.....

The Telus World of Science!



Now that I'm not working so hard, I have time for frivolous activities like spending the day doing the same thing as all the Grade 4 students in Calgary....Science World.
I went down with Joe who seems to have the same work schedule as most of us bohemians but somehow makes 10 times the money. The top attractions of this lovely outing were:

1. Lego-Secrets of the Pharaohs

I bet you thought that learning about ancient Egypt, with all it's strange-headed gods and weird death rituals, is pretty interesting. You are so wrong. It is not half as interesting as learning about Egypt MADE OF LEGO. There is something sublime about seeing 10 identical yellow, blocky Lego slaves pulling a Lego stone to a Lego pyramid. Being whipped with Lego. Plus Lego funerary urns with Lego organs inside. (I presume, anyway. They did not actually show the organs, which is no fun.)Does anyone else think that whoever gets to build the Sphinx out of Lego has a pretty ideal job? Still, I feel like this exhibit is going to confuse small children later in life, in many ways.

2. Mindball

Mindball is my favorite new game. You and a friend sit on opposite sides of the table, wrap a headband with a cord around your head, and think concentrated thoughts at a ball in the middle of the table, causing it to roll toward the other person's goal. It can only be improved by making wavery science-fiction mind control noises as you do it. I am not exactly sure how the Theta waves of your mind are measured by a sweaty headband. But I am willing to believe. I think Mindball should be featured in every home. There should be a large Mindball table where you can play in groups, all of you sitting still with eyeballs bulging. I kicked Joe's ass of course.
Joe: "That doesn't mean anything."
Rhianna: "I think it means that I am one billion times smarter."

3. Bugs! A Rainforest Adventure.

This is a film we saw in the theater, following the lives of two bugs in the deep dark rainforest. Hirodula, a praying mantis, and Mushi, who plays both a catepillar and, eventually, a butterfly. To save you a lot of guessing, eventually Hirodula eats Mushi. A film ending at least on par with other Hollywood tragedies that feature the death of a main character, such as Harold and Maude or My Girl. The oddest thing about this movie is that it was narrarated by Dame Judy Dench...obviously your first choice of voice that you want to hear explain how the female mantis will bite of her partner's head during coitus. (Also, I feel it is okay to be a stickler for Science while at Science World, and neither of these insects are technically bugs).

4. The Bed of Nails

Nothing like teaching kids what fakers those fakirs were. By having a plexi-glass sheet you can lay on, which nails are raised up through so that you are laying on them. Not painful. Yet the small girl waiting her turn suddenly burst into tears and tried to hide behind her mother. "Look at that man, he's not crying, is he?", says the mother, and Joe obliged the girl with a large, "Look! The nails are comfortable as all git out!" kind of smile. Yet she still eyed her mother and Joe skeptically. She has probably seen grownups fake pleasure in the past to trick her, such as exclaiming "yum!" while eating broccoli at the dinner table.

Survery says? Learning is fun. And don't even think of challenging me at Mindball.

if i haven't heard it, it's new to me

Today was (finally!) the day we gave the Nickle Museum all the stuff we made for them, and according to our arrangement, they should be giving us a cheque. It hardly seems fair....we had to carry in three large heavy boxes of metalwork, whereas a cheque is light and comfortable to walk around with. The gold plating festival of '06 is somewhat ongoing. Turns out complicated chemical processes are....complicated. We went to ACAD today for an opening, and one of my former teachers was telling Kathleen and I about watching them goldplating in Africa in a teacup on the side of the road. We said, "replace teacup with measuring cup, and side of the road with a garage, and that's us....". Anyway, it's good to be (mostly) done. Especially after staying up until six in the morning last night to put everything on cards and label. With Kaylen, who is now voted Best Friend Of the Rivet Kitchen, for staying up ridiculous hours to help with something that is both boring and non-applicable to her life. And for lightening-quick cat catching reflexes.

Anyway, now for the first time in the long time I have Nothing To Do. Which gives me plenty of time to grow fat off the resources of the house I am sitting. For instance, stealing some of their decent music collection, which I will be forthwith commenting upon. Mostly stuff that's been around for a while that I kind of wanted to buy, but remained faithful to my habit of picking up cd's and going, "twenty five dollars! that'll happen!".

Mermaid Avenue Vol.2: Billy Bragg and Wilco.

The general uncreative-ness of most songwriters has ruined more than one good idea I've had for a theme cd. For instance, the one I want to make about airplane songs. So far I have "You are an Airplane" by Of Montreal, and "Airplane to Heaven", which leads off this brilliant cd. I used to listen to this back in Roasterie Too days, when Paul used to play it while both baking and getting more and more irritated as I put Airplane to Heaven on repeat. On the airplane to heaven, you are totally still allowed to bring toothpaste and water bottles.

Speak for Yourself- Imogen Heap.

The first time I heard a song from this cd was when my sister was downloading stuff and started playing "Hide and Seek", and it was enough to prod me out of my couch stupor and go, "what is THAT?". Anyway, it is also a very lovely cd which I am pleased to steal. I just have two main comments. One, that although this is good stuff, I am not sure why she started a solo career to make music that sounds exactly like the music she made in Frou Frou. Two, I am thankful for the song lyrics, "why'd you have to be so cute?/it's impossible to ignore you" because I can sing it to both boyfriends and cats.

Central Reservation- Beth Orton.

This is another one from back in my Roasterie days. Back in simpler times when the main way I heard new music is when other employees left their cd's behind like metaphorical eggs for my musical easter basket. Beth Orton....everyone you know likes her, from the flakiest of hippie chicks to international hip hop artists. However, I have nothing funny to say about this one. In fact, I often get the feeling that if you listened to too much Beth Orton, you'd end up heavily sedated and restrained with no funny thoughts ever again. Gee Beth, am I sad enough yet?

Anything else worth stealing? Yes. But I'm tired now.

science genius girl

It is only a few days until our contract is due with the Nickle Museum, so Kathleen and I are fully immersed in the last step of Many Metal Multiples. Namely, gold plating. You might be thinking, wow, I don't know anyone else who is neat enough to know how to plate precious metals! And you would be right, you don't.

However it is a very long process, where you cannot get distracted because you are not only working with acids, but electricity in acids. We ran out of conversation topics a few days ago and now have locked in a repetive pattern of jokes.

1. We say "Gooollllddd!" in a way similar to the way a grizzled prospector would exclaim that word after eating canned beans for three months, endlessly panning, and seeing no women but his mule, Bessie.

2. We hand out job promotions and terminations to each other at will. I was fired five times today and declared employee of the month twice.

3.Joking with more and more seriousness each time that we should just spray paint everything gold, and get a midnight flight to Tijuana.

It goes though. It is going. And it is fun to feel like a real scientist with beakers and anodes and suprisingly sexy safety gear. Here is a picture of me in the lab.

Bustopher Jones

As many of you know, one of the only new and interesting developments in my life since returning from Peru, (besides what to force Kathleen to make me for lunch) is that I have purchased a new little car. It is somewhat like the one pictured above, although not surrounded by a floating neon green square. I can not actually use a picture of Buster himself (he has forbidden it, because he came with a dent in the side that he would prefer I not advertise).

However the day I bought him, I took him to the mechanic's for a wheel alignment, and they somehow managed to set off the anti-theft on the cd player. So now I can not listen to the radio, cd's, anything. And I have not time to take him to get fixed until the end of the contract next week. Therefore, I present to you, a list of the aural pleasures during my one hour-per-day commute in Mr. Bustopher Jones.

• The whistling of the wind whenever I do in excess of 80 km/h. (0ften) Then I think, are all the windows closed? The sunroof? What the hell is whistling? Maybe the radio antenna cause it sticks out....maybe I'll try closing the window again, just to make sure...(repeat)

• The sound of what different kinds of pavement sound like under the tires. For instance, the all weather surface outside of Redwood goes, "brrrrrrreeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh". The normal pavement with cracks every few meters goes, "krrrrrrrrrrr(goof)krrrrrrrrrrrrrr(goof) kr(goof) krrrrrrrrr". The fresly laid pavement on Hwy 8 right before the city has a silky "ssseeeeeeeeeeee" sound. Oh and gravel sounds like rice krispies.

• Myself singing bits of songs that I've heard recently. Only bits, because, I can never seem to remember whole entire songs unless I am singing along to the music, because then I can get prompts when I need them. For instance, the other day I sang one verse and the chorus to "Funny little Frog" about 50 times straight. Also, myself singing bits of songs incorrectly. For instance, when I sing "Funny little Frog", it contains awesome lyrics like "I get to be a-feelin' responsible/I come home late and unlock your door"

• Actual lyrics from the Belle and Sebastian website: "I get to play at feeling irresponsible/I come home late and I love your soul" Uncreative and boring.

• The sound of myself practicing having important conversations with people. Sometimes I do their voice as well, and fill in the other side of the conversation. Because if I didn't, then I'd be talking to myself, which we all know is for crazy people.

nuclear accidents...or erectile dysfunction?

Don't ask how I found this...I don't know. It is a page of United States Nuclear Accident Definition Codes (apparently) used by the Department of Defense.

BENT SPEAR - A significant incident involving a nuclear weapon or warhead, nuclear components, or vehicle when nuclear loaded.

PINNACLE - BROKEN ARROW - An accidental, unauthorized detonation or possible detonation of a nuclear weapon.

PINNACLE - EMPTY QUIVER - Seizure, theft or loss of a nuclear weapon or component.

PINNACLE - EMERGENCY EVACUATION - Operations involving the emergency evacuation of nuclear weapons

FADED GIANT - Any reactor or radiological mishap that causes casualties, property damage, or significant release of radiological material.

DULL SWORD is an Air Force reporting term which appears not to derive from a single source.

ROGUE SPEAR

There are so many jokes to be made about this that I feel positively faint with the possibilities. Good ol' States, proving once again that anyone who doesn't want to fire a weapon is impotent (or gay).

the joy of ex

a fun bit of correspondance with an old...not boyfriend, but something semi-like that. First he wanted to go for coffee, his treat! between old friends. Promised not to get wierd. And then...

Hi Rhianna,
I give you my word I will show up; as for weirding out, well, the future is much like a piece of cake, you never know what it tastes like until you take a bite, and by then, of course, it's too late.After September 18th is great; I have school monday-fri and work fri-sun,so lets aim for a school night if possible.I want to talk about travel, but yes, likely I will hit on you a bit, to be honest.I promise nothing, 'cept I will be there.
Love,
c

Next day:
Hi Rhianna,
Also, if we do go for dinner, it will be dutch. My last girlfriend really took the fun out of me treating her or anyone for that matter.I think likely the same for coffee. Sorry, I used to like treating, but Ihave found that people make a habit out of it and that sucks a lot of ass. Hope that's cool. I want to go out and look good and it would be nice to see you looking good as well. I want to pick your brain about travel, however, I am also excited about just seeing you.
Hope this is cool.
love,
c

I write back saying it's gauche to invite someone for coffee as your treat and then tell them they are paying for themselves. Then:

I was pretty much intent on talking about travel with a mild bit of
hitting on, it's a shame that two bucks threw you off this.
Wow, what a classy lady. Yeah, if two bucks is putting the monkey wrench
into the plans, then I think you are right, it is best if we avoid.
You are truly a class act.I am glad to have known this prior. What, did you want me to pay for your time too? Fuck that, there are a ton of people out there who have been to Thailand, I wanted to see you, that's all. I am sick to death of women like
you; you can't have your cake and eat it too. Thanks for opening my eyes before I walked into that one. Yikes, girls like you give me the creeps. You're worse than Hitler!

c


Did you get that? WORSE than HITLER, everyone. I need to go kill a jew to cheer me up. Too bad we're not going out......nothing really is clear here except that chris likes to use cake metaphors.