and it keeps me up at night

Someone asked a few months ago about my fears. I think it was a question one shouldn't take lightly...after all, our fears represent the deepest and murkiest of inner-psyche swamps. So I've been carefully considering this question, and whoever you were, I think I have a few answers.

1. That my fish, who until recently were kept in the bathroom, were staring at my butt when I was on the toilet.

2. That while walking and poking at my lip ring with my tongue, I would trip over a crack on the pavement and bite through the tip of my tongue, leaving it like a piece of used chewing gum on the sidewalk.

3. That if I wear low-cut shirts around gay men, it will cause them to question their sexuality.

4. That even though I'm sure my IQ is somewhere over 130, I cannot seem to both
a) Shake hands and
b) Remember the name of the person I'm being introduced to.

5. That with the amount of foreign countries I've been to, I'm probably filled with strange parasites which have been quietly breeding and biding their time until one day they'll all pour out of my orifices like an X-Files episode.

6. That you actually can absorb calories through your skin....and I spend a hell of a lot of days covered in icing/chocolate/whipped cream.

7. That if there is a God, he probably doesn't appreciate most of my jokes.