get a pen ready. the people's pundit answers

For some reason I get sent a lot of those surveys that people want you to fill in. Heck maybe you all do as well. I fill out about one a year so as not be considered rude. Here is one that Jessie sent me....I only answered about half the questions before something shiny in the corner stole my attention. And I deleted ones that didn't amuse me. It's like trying to make a parrot take the SAT's, so take what you can get.....enjoy and be educated.


1. FIRST NAME? Stardust....oh you mean legally? Rhianna.

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? A little pop song from the seventies. You may have heard of it.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? During one episode of Grey's Anatomy or the other. That show exists purely to suck moisture from the eyeballs of the living.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? In like, an existential way? I like being able to write. it's what seperates us from the animals.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? See question below

6. KIDS? No thanks, I just ate

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? If I was another person I would be stalking me, after I broke up with me in some sort of torrid romantic affair. I know I'm embarassing myself. I just don't care. How could I leave me? You'll never love anyone like I love me, baby!!!

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? As a rudimentary tool. Like when I can't find a hammer or nail clippers.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Would I could I with a fox. Would I could I in a box.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? This is really assuming a lot about shoes, and people. Many of my shoes have zippers. And I never remove them. Ever.

15. DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SEXY? Maybe if I squint. Yes, that's better....

16. SHOE SIZE? What's with the shoe questions? Who wants to know? Is this a secret online footwear marketing survey?

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Swarms of angry wasps. I hate when angry wasps are about myself.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU?

Hess....will you marry me?

screw you robert frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

hitch your wagon to my rising star

So, this last week I've been delivering phone books to most of rural Bragg Creek. And, I'm sure you're curious as to why, but let's just say that I'm paying off some of my compulsive gambling debts, and leave it at that. However, it's been so boring that I've been composing a rap song about this activity to amuse myself. I'm pretty sure it'll go No. 1 on Billboard by next week.

the song begins with some ill beats being dropped over a sample of "Don't lose my Number" by Phil Collins...that or possibly 867-5309/Jenny....

(Billy! Don't you lose my number!
Cause you're not anywhere
That I can find yoooooouuuu)

Yo! These is your new phone books!
I is they ho'
They is so heavy
I can't carry no' mo' than fo'

You's got "beware of dog" signs, but that's just fo' fun,
I ain't yet bet bitten by a single one,
I is laughin', the joke ain't on me,
Yo' vicious dogs is my bitches!
Lit-er-al-lee!
(yo unless they be male dogs, yo....)

Chorus:
Deliverin' knowledge to the masses!
If you love knowledge shake yo' asses!
Phew! These numbers is really massive!
I ain't need no aerobics classes!

Yo street life be hard
and the pain of it lingers..
I got paper cuts
All ovah my fingers...

Chorus, repeat, random grunting......



I think it's got a lot of potential.

kaylen and I read more than you do

it's not an insult, baby.....it's just true. So now we have a literary blog for literary thoughts and feelings. You could read it if you wanted to. And don't worry, any seriousness will probably be tempered with a distinctive sense of humour. You know, the kind we bring to any possible situation, from an escaped boa constrictor eating an old lady's poodle, to mass murder.

i read pretty

shh. everything will be okay

Tonight over coffee I remarked, for a reason that escapes me, on how funny it is that some strange phobias are common enough that someone actually named them. For example, fear of knees. (Genuphobia). Now while I've seen some unattractive knees, it's a big leap to imagine being actually a scairt o' them. This prompted me to look up a list of phobias, and well, it was a good time. I present to you my own "best of" awards.

Award for If This Is A Phobia, Call Me Phobic:

Atomosophobia- Fear of atomic explosions
Ballistophobia- Fear of missiles or bullets
Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive

Award for Wow That is Really Inconvienient, Dude:

Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
Teleophobia- Fear of definite plans. (hard to get these ones to show up for appointments)

Award for I'm Sorry You're Suffering but Ha Ha Ha:

Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic. (vampires?)
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th. (I find the name funnier than the fear)
Arachibutyophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat (??)
Consecotaleophobia- Fear of chopsticks.
Opiophobia- Fear that medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients. (oh wow am I am in pain...can you give me something? what do you mean "no"? why are you running?)

Award for I Bet Most Of The Suffers Are Over 50:

Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs
Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.
Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer

Award for I Hope They Clearly Mark Which "Or":

Hylephobia- Fear of materialism or the fear of epilepsy.
Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.

Award for Being Diagnosed With These Would Push You Over The Edge:

Phobophobia- Fear of phobias
Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words. (this one especially is a joke, right?)

Award for Thanks For Putting So Much Effort Into Naming This:

Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.

buddy, you can't expect me to draw you a diagram

Hey!

On my post about San Francisco, someone left three (3!!) comments that read:

Anonymous said...
Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for different ways to earn money... I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun!
7:41 PM

First of all Sir or Madam, secret shopping sounds far too furitive to be a rewarding profession. I like to shop loudly and openly, possibly waving money around with both my hands and exclaiming things like "Sweet Lord 'n Butter! Look at the fine stitching on this Prada handbag!" at as many decibels as I can manage.

Secondly, and this is REALLY embarassing for you, is that my post overfloweth with prime examples of potential capitalist wet dreams. For example, where I have my picture of the Claus Olderburg with the caption that reads, " finally a safety pin you can find when you need it", it is not even a jump, not even a skip, but the barest of hops to the fact that this society desperately needs a manufacturer of 10 m tall safety pins.

That one was free. In the future though, if you're not even going to try, well then, I'm not going to keep chewing your food for you. Ayn Rand would be seriously pissed.

Good day.

Our Savior doesn't appreciate you saying there are "unflattering photos" of Himself

It may or may have not recently been insinuated that, according to evidence provided by certain holiday photos from South America, I am not the most attractive woman ever to walk upon the green, green grass.

do you think it was referring to this?




because, I am willing to concede that being Jesus is not my best side.

san francisco pictures of some humour value....

to me anyway.

a mural in the Mission.....Mother Theresa was always my favorite ninja with her, bread shaped throwing stars.....

I never really believed it was true, until this sign.......

In case you can't read the top....it says San Francisco Botanical Gardens.

dude, where's my heart? Oh no, I think I left it in.....

SAN FRANCISCO


That's right kids. I am back from my week in the City By the Bay, which I vote to rename the City You are Thankful You Don't Have to Drive a Manual Transmission In. I was out there visiting Sydney, a magical creature who somehow convinced me to get on a plane again even though after this last year I am getting tired of removing liquids from my hand luggage and putting my seat in an upright locked position. Although going through Customs entering America is not an unpainful experience, I am thankful for the fun technique of trying to surprise terrorists with questions they are not expecting. Right after, "what is your reason for visiting?" I got asked "Do you like seafood?" I was like, ooh, ooh, I know this one!!

She mainly got me there by uttering the words "Sufjan Stevens" who we have already discussed. Turns out it was The Best Concert Ever, complete with an orchestra, choir, and butterfly wings on all the performers. It rocked my socks SO HARD. We even had our very own balcony like the grumpy guys in the Muppets, and it was from this balcony that Sufjan had hundreds of inflatable supermen thrown onto the audience during "The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts". We got to throw some of the supermen and even got to keep one. We saw many a concert over the week, also including Architecture in Helsinki and Clap Hands Say Yeah (poor sound quality and distant seats, but cool theater and not sparing with the funk) and most excitingly, a punk rock show at a seedy bar in the Mission featuring The Phenomonauts, a space/rockabilly/punk act with amazing costumes and bad jokes about binary.

my fortune cookie did say "robots will rock you"

And besides just rotting my brain with music, I actually filled it to capacity with culture on expeditions to the MOMA, the De Young (actually better than the MOMA) and to fun design stores.

syd wonders where the tiny people are who made these chairs

finally, a safety pin you can find when you need it

Truly, a week of art, music, shopping and stuffing my face full of bakery goods and saltwater taffy.

one sweet day, we'll be together

It is now only three horrible, dreary, meaningless days that I have to somehow live through until I see SUFJAN STEVENS, live in San Francisco....

Oh, my!

It is almost precisely one year since I first heard the brilliant album Illinoise, which is unusually coincidental. I was somewhat down at the time and remember distinctly thinking that albums like Illinoise are a good reason not to off yourself. Because, in the future I may find other music I love this much, and well you can't enjoy poetic lyrics, grand orchestration and such sweeping vision from six feet underground with earthworms in your eyeballs, can you? (This is of course somewhat hyperbole. I would be cremated.)

I would like to say that, although I know we have balcony seats, and he will probably be a small charming speck, and there will probably be someone fat and annoying sitting beside me, and he will probably not spy me in the audience and pull me up on stage with him a la Dancer in the Dark, and in fact he probably will not even consent to sign my cleavage, I am still ever so happy about this.

Maybe if I offer to mend his t-shirt?

a few conversational gems

from my evening with Ms. Hann.....

Kaylen: Are you okay? You sounded really sad when I called you this morning.
Me: Well I had just woken up a few minutes ago. I was pretty fuzzy from being asleep. Oh...and I was really sad.


Kaylen: You have to look what my mom sent me for my birthday...on the package it says it is a "throw".
(comes back carrying a skinny vertical rug)
What do I throw it on....a snake?


Me: It's funny what kind of gifts people think are appropriate sometimes. Once I got a book of animal pictures with little inspirational quotes. Things like, "we can't spell success without U!". (pause) Actually, since it was animals, it probably said, "we can't spell Penguin without U".

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!!!

i feel pretty, and witty.....and gay

To anyone who still has the misconception that modelling is glamorous...you obviously have never spent the day standing on cement in shorts while your torso was unflatteringly cast in wet sticky butcher's tape.

how much does this kick bingo's ass?

"In Bingo, an announcer calls out the selected letters and numbers, and the players mark their game boards accordingly. In Lotería, the announcer gives an improvised short poem or familiar phrase alluding to the image on the card (e.g. “the coat for the poor” for the image of the sun, or “the one who dies by the mouth” for the image of the fish). Each player uses a chip -often a kernel of corn or a bean-to mark the corresponding spot on his or her tabla. In either game, the first player to appropriately fill the game board or tabla in a predefined pattern will shout either “Bingo!”or “Lotería!” to win the game and receive the prize.

Since poetic license is afforded to the announcer of Lotería, the success and popularity of the announcer depend on his cleverness and style.

The announcer’s approach will often depend on the social context in which the game is being played. At a church bazar, for example, he might use a more tame humor, while for a game played in an adult setting he might use innuendos that are more risqué and derisive. Satire and references to contemporary events and politics are often a part of the word play involved; in fact, the linking of images to social commentary has existed since the inception of the game"