ask me, i know
Subtitle: This Valentine's Day I am Solving Your Relationship Problems Because I am Smarter Than You and Also More Lovely And Generous As Well
Q: What is the secret reason women are attracted to Jerks and Players?
A: Every woman in the world is a masochist. We are too timid to ask someone to abuse us so we pick people who we think are likely to think of it independently. Ha ha, I kid. Actually, it works on the same sort of laws as economics....it's kind of like if men were a delicious pineapple. If the pineapple continually ran away from you, you'd spend days hatching wild Wylie Coyote type plans to catch it. However if the pineapple watched you sleep and wrote you poetry, you'd think, "man, actually eating too much pineapple makes my mouth burn". You understand now.
Q: How can I tell if he is "just not into me"?
A: I recommend the quickest and most painless method. Send a text message saying, "hey, are you into me? Or like, what?" Any answer besides an enthusiastic yes means no. Especially if the answer is "how did you get this number?"
Q: How can I tell at what point he is really truly committed?
A: In the sixties they had the right idea....a guy gave you a ring that was too big and a sweater that has some kind of letter on it for some reason. (A is for adultery, I remember from Hawthorne). However in this mixed up modern society, there is only one true way to tell....when he changes his myspace profile from "single" to "in a relationship".
Q: Should I read sex advice columns in magazines entitled "How to be Unforgettable in Bed" or "10 Ways to Raise his Pulse In A Way That is Sexy and Does Not Require Medical Attention"?
A: No matter what column, no matter what magazine, the answer is always going to be some kind of combination of blowjobs and schoolgirl outfits. Always. So, just don't even waste your time.
Until next time! Please send me all your troubling relationship questions. Also, if you're male and need help, just switch all the pronouns and substitute "communication and tenderness" for "blowjobs and schoolgirl outfits".
Q: What is the secret reason women are attracted to Jerks and Players?
A: Every woman in the world is a masochist. We are too timid to ask someone to abuse us so we pick people who we think are likely to think of it independently. Ha ha, I kid. Actually, it works on the same sort of laws as economics....it's kind of like if men were a delicious pineapple. If the pineapple continually ran away from you, you'd spend days hatching wild Wylie Coyote type plans to catch it. However if the pineapple watched you sleep and wrote you poetry, you'd think, "man, actually eating too much pineapple makes my mouth burn". You understand now.
Q: How can I tell if he is "just not into me"?
A: I recommend the quickest and most painless method. Send a text message saying, "hey, are you into me? Or like, what?" Any answer besides an enthusiastic yes means no. Especially if the answer is "how did you get this number?"
Q: How can I tell at what point he is really truly committed?
A: In the sixties they had the right idea....a guy gave you a ring that was too big and a sweater that has some kind of letter on it for some reason. (A is for adultery, I remember from Hawthorne). However in this mixed up modern society, there is only one true way to tell....when he changes his myspace profile from "single" to "in a relationship".
Q: Should I read sex advice columns in magazines entitled "How to be Unforgettable in Bed" or "10 Ways to Raise his Pulse In A Way That is Sexy and Does Not Require Medical Attention"?
A: No matter what column, no matter what magazine, the answer is always going to be some kind of combination of blowjobs and schoolgirl outfits. Always. So, just don't even waste your time.
Until next time! Please send me all your troubling relationship questions. Also, if you're male and need help, just switch all the pronouns and substitute "communication and tenderness" for "blowjobs and schoolgirl outfits".
posted by Idoru at 12:21 AM
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