and it keeps me up at night

Someone asked a few months ago about my fears. I think it was a question one shouldn't take lightly...after all, our fears represent the deepest and murkiest of inner-psyche swamps. So I've been carefully considering this question, and whoever you were, I think I have a few answers.

1. That my fish, who until recently were kept in the bathroom, were staring at my butt when I was on the toilet.

2. That while walking and poking at my lip ring with my tongue, I would trip over a crack on the pavement and bite through the tip of my tongue, leaving it like a piece of used chewing gum on the sidewalk.

3. That if I wear low-cut shirts around gay men, it will cause them to question their sexuality.

4. That even though I'm sure my IQ is somewhere over 130, I cannot seem to both
a) Shake hands and
b) Remember the name of the person I'm being introduced to.

5. That with the amount of foreign countries I've been to, I'm probably filled with strange parasites which have been quietly breeding and biding their time until one day they'll all pour out of my orifices like an X-Files episode.

6. That you actually can absorb calories through your skin....and I spend a hell of a lot of days covered in icing/chocolate/whipped cream.

7. That if there is a God, he probably doesn't appreciate most of my jokes.

...also, I've never been kissed....

There is a guy at work I know as "Gold Belt Man" for reasons that are fairly obvious. I think he has a crush on me. And today as I was innocently trying to throw out some boxes (possibly in a way that was TOO innocent?) we had the following exchange:

GBM: "How old are you?"
Me: "Why would you ask that?"
GBM: "I dunno...you look really young..."
Me: "How old do you think I am?"
GBM: "Um....I would say you're about 16."
Me: (After recovering from being balled up with laughter) "Try adding about ten years to that."
GBM: "No way. No way, seriously?"
Me: "Yeah dude. I haven't been jailbait since 1999."

Oh Gold Belt Man. You have made my day. I wonder if this is in part because one of the only conversations we've had is how I accidentally got a strawberry up my nose. Because, let me tell you, you are never too old to enjoy that.

New Moon

My quick review of the 2 new Elliott Smith cd's, which have been brought to us from beyond the grave and easily rival anything he chose to release while he was alive:

Song Lyrics from 'Riot Coming':

A punch in the stomach/
Makes sons into daughters


I think that punch needs to be a little lower than the stomach, Elliott.